Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
