If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
