Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
