Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize