you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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