Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
