You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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