How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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