When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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