I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
