I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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