so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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