Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
