One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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