My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
