btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
