I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
