me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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