do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
