The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
