she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
