I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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