i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
