I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
where are you?
Hypothermia
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
