Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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