Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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