There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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