im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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