what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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