i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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