He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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