She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
