I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize