i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
