I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
