My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
