You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
