He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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