I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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