so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
