Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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