I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
