I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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