WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
