did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize