I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
