i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
