The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
