I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
