Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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