seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
