I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
