Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
