My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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