I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We need to rekindle our bromance
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
