hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
