Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize