Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize