We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
