you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
