So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
